Weight of the Badge
by thatirishfox
Summary: During a robbery call, Nick is forced into making the decision to shoot the suspect that turned out to be unarmed. Bogo saw right through that 'Don't let them see that they get to you' façade that Nick wears, orders him to discuss what happened with the police psychiatrist where Nick quickly realizes just how difficult it is to be a police officer. Rated T for language and violence
1. Chapter 1

"I will not take 'No' for a fucking answer Wilde. Either you go see the shrink today or you are on unpaid leave until you get your head out of your ass. This is an order, not a suggestion." Bogo's voice boomed through the entire precinct from his office thanks to his frustration with a certain fox that sat across his desk.

To be fair, after an incident while on patrol earlier in the week, Nick had all but withdrawn into himself, he either shrugged off any probing to see if he was okay or he would outright disappear for hours at a time, mentioning something about wanting to be alone. It finally had gotten to the point they were at now, with Nick seated across from Bogo with Judy right next to him.

"Chief, for the last time…I'm fine! There's no point." He said, though his attention was diverted from the angry buffalo to the little bunny next to him when he felt a small and soft paw on his arm. He felt his façade that he put on start to melt away under the gaze of her lovely violet eyes, which always seemed to be able to stare right through any wall he could put up.

"Nick…please…" she said softly, her eyes showing him how concerned she was. "Please, what happened…you need to talk about it…it'll eat you if you don't."

After what felt like an eternity to all the mammals in the room, he finally let out a low sigh, "Fine…I'll go…" and without another word, he stood up and stormed out of the office, ears folded back as the door slammed shut behind him, which left both Bogo and Judy somewhat shocked at the suddenness.

As he walked down the stairs to the main atrium, he found himself unable to force that cocky smirk back onto his face and instead shoved his paws into his pockets and kept his head down. He heard the whispers of the other officers, and forced himself to act like he didn't hear them. By the time he reached the reception desk, he was certain that the universe must hate him because the inextinguishable happiness that was Clawhauser was quick to greet him in that ever so chipper voice of his.

"Hey Nick! How ya holding up?" the chubby cheetah asked with a smile.

"Why the hell are you all so worried about me? Look at me, I'm fine and you don't have to worry! Thank you Clawhauser!" Nick snapped, and started to storm off but not without feeling like he was slapped by the hurt expression on Clawhauser's face and the many surprised looks he was being thrown by everyone who had heard his outburst. He had already made his way out the door when the guilt of it started to hit him and he made a mental note to buy the cheetah a deluxe box of donuts and a Gazelle figurine to make it up to him because nobody deserved to be yelled at like that, especially not a gentle soul like Clawhauser.

Fortunately, the walk to the Psychiatrist's office was a short one, as Zootopia's Office of Mental Health was just across the square from the precinct. It's not like it was easy to miss either, the front of the building being an all glass lobby that leads into an elegantly designed brick and mortar building. Inside the building, it was obviously designed with a calming atmosphere in mind. The walls were painted a muted blue and the subtle scent of Jasmine could be made out as it was circulated into the air. At the desk was a very meek looking Opossum receptionist who greeted him with a gentle smile.

"Good afternoon Officer, do you have an appointment?" she asked with a polite voice.

Nick glanced at her name tag which read 'Amy' on it. "Yes, I'm here to see a…" he looked down at the card he was given by Bogo. "Doctor Falster, I'm Officer Wilde."

"Ah yes, Doctor Falster is expecting you, up the stairs to the second floor and he's the first office to your right. You can go right in." She replied and quickly pages the doctor to let him know that he was there.

Nick nodded and quickly jogged up the stairs and entered an impressively immaculate office. It wasn't big by any means, only a twenty by twenty room, however it had its walls paneled in a rich stained oak and the floors carpeted with a soft, khaki-colored rug. By the window that was opposite the door was a desk made of the same wood that paneled the walls and an alligator leather chair was stationed behind it. By the desk and against the wall by the window was a pair of filing cabinets and against one of the side walls was a sofa and chair that matched the desk chair. Seated in the arm chair was an aged Kudu, his muzzle already started to gray with his age. The kudu stood up and offered his hoof with a kind smile.

"Ah, Officer Wilde, it's so good to meet you. I'm Doctor Alan Falster." He said, his voice tinted with a light Danish accent.

Nick took the hoof extended to him and forced his neutral smirk on his face. "Nice to meet you doc." He says, setting himself on the sofa while Dr. Falster set himself in the armchair, a clipboard holding a notebook resting on his lap.

"Well, Officer Wilde- "

Nick held up a paw which stopped the doctor "Please doc, call me Nick."

If Falster felt any annoyance at being cut off, he didn't seem to show it and simply smiled before he continued. "Okay, Nick it is. I've been informed about what happened during the incident by Chief Bogo, but I'd like for you to tell me your version of it."

"Alright, if you insist." He said, taking a breath to try and calm himself as he suddenly realized his paws had clenched into fists. "I was out on patrol with my partner, Officer Hopps, when dispatch put out a call for a 10-31 which is a hold-up and robbery. Dispatch said the suspect was armed so we equipped our firearms in lieu of our non-lethal devices."

He watched as Falster jotted down a few notes while occasionally watching him as he spoke. When the Kudu nodded, he continued. "We arrived on scene and the suspect took a good look at us and bolted. Carrots…I mean, Officer Hopps went in the shop to check on the clerk and other patrons while I ran after the suspect. I managed to catch up to her pretty quickly, turned out she was a female wolf and they don't seem to really run fast when carrying a bag of money. She tried to throw me off her trail but I managed to corner her in an alley. I drew my firearm and pointed it at her, and told her to drop the bag and put her hands on her head." He stopped and tried to steel his breaths. He paws and shoulders trembled and he felt his mask start to crumble as he vividly relived the moment in his mind.

Falster nodded, making notes of the way he was reacting no doubt. "Take your time Nick, please continue when you're ready."

He ran a paw through the fur on his head and brushed his ears back before he continued. "She stared at me for a minute and I managed to get a good look at her. She couldn't have been more than 14 or 15, obviously a street kid. We see them all the time on patrol but they never do anything more than petty theft...not armed robbery. I…um…saw her paw twitch, like she was thinking about reaching for her weapon so I told her not to move and made sure to click the hammer back on my gun to try and scare her, b-but that's when…" he felt his breaths hitch and it started to get hard to breathe for him. He dug his claws into his legs, choking back whatever onslaught of emotion that seemed to want to break loose.

"That's when she reached for her weapon." Falster finished for him.

He could only nod in response, "So I did what we were trained to do." He said, his voice hitched in his throat as he spoke and tears started to well in his eyes. "When she reached for her weapon, I fired twice and hit her in the chest. Hopps was quick to arrive on scene so I had her call a bus while I put pressure on the wounds to try and keep her alive. Hopps checked her pockets and w-we found out her 'gun' was actually a block of wood carved roughly and painted black. I remember…I remember asking her why and sh-she just smiled right before dying under my paws." He finally gave up fighting the tears and felt them matte the fur on his cheeks as they slid free from his eyes.

Falster finished whatever note he was writing and looked over the rims of his glasses, sympathy on his muzzle. "Nick, you made a call that I'm sure any other officer in your position would have made. It's not-"

All the pent up emotion that he had shoved behind his mental walls finally spilled forth and manifested itself in the form of anger, disgust, and too many other emotions to process and before he realized it, he had stood up and started to shout at the doctor. "SHE WAS A FUCKING CUB! SHE HAD HER WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF HER AND I STOLE IT FROM HER!"

The doctor's ears folded back at the shout and he even flinched some at the outburst but he didn't let it faze him. Instead, he watched as Nick dropped back on to the couch, put his face into his paws, and his body start to heave as he sobbed. He remained silent for now, Nick was in a delicate stage and he had to tread carefully lest the fox shut him out completely.

"I mean, there was so many other things I could have done…I could have talked her down, gone for a non-lethal shot…something!" Nick said as he wrapped his tail around himself and hugged it to his chest, much like he would do as a cub when he needed comfort.

Falster let out a sigh and took of his glasses and placed them on top of his notes that he had set on the side table by his chair. "Nick, I can't even begin to say I can feel or understand your pain, taking a life is not something any rational mammal should have to go through. However, I do know this: Not any mammal can put on that badge every day and join the thin blue line. Every time you put on that badge there is the strong possibility that you will have to make a choice like that again and a strong chance you will have to put your life or the life of your partner at risk in order to serve and protect the citizens of this city. Things like that would break a lesser mammal."

"Well, to be honest doc, I feel pretty broken." Nick said as he looked down in his lap while tears still flowed down his cheeks. "Everyone talks about the thin blue line but I think I might have broken that sacred trust."

"As much as I hate to say it Nick, I believe the girl made her choice the moment she reached behind her back. She knew what she was doing and knew the consequences. I may not approve of her methods, but you can't blame yourself for her choices, doing so will bring you nothing but grief."

"What do you suggest I do doc?"

"Well Nick, what do you think you should do? There's no clear cut path to healing that I can tell you as it is entirely up to you." Falster leaned forward in his chair as he spoke, his amber gaze locked with Nick's bright green eyes. "However, I can tell you is that the first step you must take is to forgive yourself. I'm willing to support and guide you down this road but only if you're willing to take the steps yourself." He watched as Nick nodded. "Remember, you have your brothers and sisters in the ZPD who are there for you and are willing to share with your pain. The weight of the badge is not to be taken for granted, few mammals truly understand the responsibility you and all of the ZPD have pinned to your chest there unless they themselves share it." He said as he picked up his notes, "Alright Nick, I've been asked to give a report to Bogo and because I don't want you to feel like you've been left out of the loop, I'll tell you what I'm going to recommend. I am going to suggest you be put on paid leave or at the very least put on desk duty for now, but I'd like to see you take some time away from the ZPD. I am going to have you come in for at least one session a week, maybe two as needed until we are able to get through this, okay Nick?"

Nick could only nod in response as he used his paws to wipe his eyes and tear stained fur. "Sounds good doc." He says softly, admittedly not thrilled with the idea of no work or even desk duty but he figured it was for the best.

"Very good, if you go speak with Amy out front, she'll schedule your next appointment. We made a great step today Nick, you'll be back to your old self in no time." The doctor said as he stood up to guide Nick out of the office.

"Thanks doc, I'll see you next week." He said, walking to the elevator and pushing the call button. While he seemed down, he also carried himself as if a weight had been taken off his shoulders, even if only by a little bit.

Falster took note of this and nodded slightly to himself as he retreated back into his office to call Bogo with his observations. This would be a challenge, that was for sure, but he knew that Nick would be able to get through this, and come out stronger than ever. He idly waited for the phone to pick up for Bogo and he opened his pad to his notes for Nick. "Chief Bogo…yes this is Doctor Alan Falster speaking…I've finished with Officer Wilde here…well, I'm going to recommend…"


	2. Chapter 2

Nick let out a soft sigh and released the breath he had been holding as he walked up to the doors of ZPD Precinct One. It had been two months now since he started his therapy with Doctor Falster, and while he still had a ways to go, the Kudu felt that Nick was ready to go back to work, even if it was for some desk duty. Desk duty wasn't exactly what he called his favorite assignment, it still was miles over being alone with his thoughts while he waited for Judy to come home from her shift.

After steeling himself and adjusting his uniform, he picked up the gift bag that he had set beside his legs and pushed open the front entrance and smirked his usual easy going smirk. First thing was first, he approached Clawhauser's desk and set the bag on the counter. "Hey big guy, sorry I'm late with this but I really feel bad about the way I snapped at you after what happened. To make it up to you, here…" he slid the bag across the counter towards the cheetah.

Clawhauser picked up the bag and pulled the box of donuts out first and licked his chops hungrily at the sight of them. "Ooooh, donuts! Nicky, you're a fox after my own heart. Ooh, what's this?" The cheetah pulled out a bright pink box with a clear plastic window and his jaw dropped. "You didn't…"

"I did. It took some doing but I did." Nick said with a chuckle.

Clawhauser squealed in delight, hugging the box. "You actually found one of the limited edition Gazelle figurines and it's the one with her best outfit! Oh Nicky!"

"I take it I'm forgiven?" Nick held his arms out and Clawhauser took it as an opportunity and hugged Nick tight.

"Ooooh I can't stay mad at you!" Clawhauser purred and squeezed Nick even tighter.

"C-Clawhauser…c-can't b-breathe!" Nick said, the way the cheetah hugged him, it felt like his eyeballs wanted to pop out of his head.

Clawhauser yelped and dropped him, his words jumbled when he rambled out a string of apologies. Nick simply smiled and smiled up to the bubbly cheetah. "Don't worry about it big guy, anyway, I hope you enjoy the figure buddy, I gotta head up and talk with the chief. "If you see Judy, let her know I'll meet her in the bullpen." He had left earlier than he normally would have since he did have to speak with the chief and pick up the donuts for Clawhauser. Ben simply nodded and waved as Nick walked towards the stairs.

He knocked on the door to the chief's office and nearly jumped out of his fur when the gruff voice sounded on the other side of the door. "Come in Wilde."

Nick entered the office and sat himself in the oversized chair. He waited patiently until the Chief finished whatever form he had been filling out and opted to play with the tip of his tail. He looked up again when Bogo removed his glasses and stared at him. It was odd, the normally angry scowl that crossed the buffalo's features was gone and one of genuine concern had replaced it.

"Are you sure you're ready to come back Wilde? I know it's only desk duty, but it's only been two months since it happened and I still want you back at one hundred percent. There's no shame in taking more time." Bogo said, red eyes locked with Nick's green ones.

"I'm sure sir. Doc Falster agrees that it's good for me to at least get my feet in the water before I jump back in and desk duty is probably the best way to do that."

"Very well, be at rollcall at the normal time, I'll probably stick Hopps with you for the day to keep an eye on you." Bogo said and returned his gaze to the stack of papers.

"Sir, before I go, what's the status on Jane Wolf's Case?"

Bogo simply grunted and turned to his computer and punched in a few keystrokes to pull up the case information. "Looks like it's closed and ruled suicide by cop. Why?"

"With your permission, sir, I'd like to investigate a little further, find out who she is and see if she has any family." Nick said as he started to fidget with his tail again.

The buffalo gave him a knowing look and sighed. "Do what you need to do Wilde, ask Clawhauser for the case records, he'll give them to you. And Wilde, I can't say I recommend doing that to yourself."

"Funny, Doc Falster said the same thing. I just…I think helping to lay her to rest would give me some closure." Nick said softly as his ears drooped back. "Thank you sir, see you at rollcall." He finished as he stood up from the chair and walked out of the office and towards the bullpen.

Rollcall went by normally and Judy wasn't opposed to doing desk duty with him. He did what the chief said and requested the casefile and started to pour into it. He had gotten so engrossed with it, he didn't notice Judy behind him, her arm outstretched with a cup of coffee for him.

"Find out anything?" she asked and she squeaked in surprise when he jumped and let out a yelp. "S-sorry, didn't mean to surprise you."

"It's alright carrots, I'm just trying to figure this out. Apparently DNA was a dead end, and she hasn't been in Juvie like most street cubs her age and she isn't in the foster system either. Just dead end after dead end." He grumbled and happily accepted the cup of coffee he was offered. "I ended up calling that Jack Savage guy at the ZBI to have him run her photo through their database and I'm also running it through the NamUs system but it's going to take a while." He sighed and rested his head in his paws. "What I don't get is why there doesn't look like much of an effort beyond DNA testing was made into figuring out who she is…I guess street cubs have it even worse than foxes sometimes."

"Nick, we'll figure it out together, okay?" she said gently and pulled her desk chair next to his. "Let's read through the rest of the file while we waiting on the results."

Nick nodded in response and they poured over the file for another hour before the computer alerted them with a ding that signaled the search being done. Nick steeled himself, clicked the screen on, and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that there was a hit from both NamUs and the ZBI. He clicked it open and read the data.

"Jennifer Lowell – 15. Missing since last year. Ran away from home and hasn't been seen since. Parents are James and Marion Lowell and they live in…Savannah Central." He said as he scrawled the notes into his pad. "Let's go Judy." He said as he leapt to his feet and grabbed his cap.

Judy watched him as he frantically wrote all the information down and grabbed his arm as he went to leave. "Do you even know what you're going to say, Nick?"

This stopped him in his tracks, he had not thought of what he wanted to say. He sat back down in his chair and stared at the floor, brow furrowed as he went deep into thought. "I-I really don't…I guess we'll just have to see what happens when we meet them." He said as he glanced over to the file and read over the list of personal effects that had been cataloged. "It says here she had a necklace on her, a locket. We should bring that back seeing how they already buried the body."

Judy nodded and paged the evidence office to have Jennifer's belongings brought up to them. One of the precinct's couriers, a male gazelle that neither of them ever met, dropped the box on the desk and handed Judy a form to sign off on. He gave them each a polite farewell before he walked off, most likely back to the archives where most of the couriers worked.

Nick didn't seem to want to waste too much time as he already had the box opened and had begun to dig through the few belongings. The girl's clothing was disposed of as they were bloodied from the shootout, standard procedure after all. The only belongings that were in the box was the locket, a dull pocketknife, and a small journal, the pages creased and yellowed from being on the streets.

He picked up the journal and looked to Judy, his ears drooping back as he broke the seal on the bag that it was in and opened it. The first few pages seemed to chronicle her life at home, the usual teenaged drama but then it took a turn when she started writing about how she ran away from home so that she could spare them the burden of raising her as a daughter. What broke Nick's heart were the last two entries, one being an apology to her parents and the other to the officer who shot her.

"She planned this…" he stammered and handed her the journal so she could read the apology notes. "She wanted to die, and she used me to pull the trigger. I could have helped her…"

"Oh Nick. You couldn't have known." Judy said as she hugged her arms around his shoulders. "The best thing we can do for her now is give her parents some closure, okay?"

"Yeah, you're right…let's go." He nodded and stood up. He quickly packed her things back into the box and also jotted down the cemetery and plot number she was buried at so the Lowells could visit her.

The drive to Savannah Central Townhomes was a quiet one, Nick lost in thought and Judy respected his need for space and remained silent. She only spoke up when she brought the car to a stop in front of the apartment. "We're here Nick."

He nodded and picked up the box he held in his lap, "Well, let's do this." he said softly as his emotional walls started to crumble. He approached the door to the home and knocked with the back of his knuckles. He found it rather odd that a wolf family would live in a home meant for larger mammals but then it wasn't that uncommon either. However, his curiosity turned to surprise when the door was answered by a male hippo.

"Mister Lowell?" Nick asked, his eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Yes, that's me. Can I help you officers?"

"I'm Officer Wilde and this is my partner Officer Hopps. Sir, it may be best if we come inside, this is news best kept private." Nick said glumly.

James sighed and gave a rather tired smile. "This is about Jennifer isn't it? Come in please, I'll go get Marion."

Nick and Judy looked at each other and followed them in and turning into the living room at James' request. A few moments later the two hippos entered the living room and sat on the couch opposite of them. Marion, the other hippo, looked like she had started crying recently and James had his arm around her. "We're ready, please tell us what happened to our daughter…" He said and his voice shook as he spoke.

Nick remained quiet a moment, as if gathering his thoughts. "I'm very sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, I can't imagine how hard this must be, but your daughter has been killed."

Marion let out a sob and buried her face in James' shoulder, whimpering. "After a year, Officer, w-we had already assumed the worst, please, do you know what happened?" James said softly as he gently rubbed his wife's shoulder.

"Based off what was written in the journal we found on her, we believe suicide by police officer was her plan. I don't want to ruin your last memories of her by going into detail." He replied as the tears welled in his eyes "I'm so sorry for your loss." His voices started to hitch in his throat and he tried to hide behind the brim of the cap he wore.

Judy, having remained quiet during most of the exchange, picked up the box and set it on the table. "We brought you the belongings she had with her, there wasn't much beyond the journal and a locket." She said gently and returned to her spot on the couch.

James stared reflectively at the box, a sad look on his face. His eyes looked weary, almost as if he had shed every tear he had a long time ago and all that remained was tiredness. "She was always a troubled child." He said finally, "We adopted her when she was ten. Her mother was a junkie that was killed by her gangbanger father and I was the social worker assigned to her case. She stayed here while I worked with her and Marion and I just fell in love with her. She had her scars from her earlier life of course, but she was such a sweet girl and we thought we could help her through her demons. I guess some wounds just refuse to heal." James gently hugged Marion to his chest. "Thank you Officer Wilde, it wasn't the outcome we had hoped for, but you've at least given us some answers and for that, we are grateful."

It was then that Marion spoke up. "What happened with her body?" she asked. Her voice was so soft that even Judy almost missed it.

Nick opened his notebook and pulled out the page with the cemetery address. "The city buried her here. The plot number is below so you can visit her." He said gently and also pulled out his card. "Please, if there's anything I can do, don't hesitate to call me." He finished and wiped the tears from his eyes with the back of his paw.

"Thank you Officer Wilde, you're a good mammal. Please, forgive me but I think we need to process this and go visit our daughter." James said with a gentle, if hollow smile and stood up to show Nick and Judy out.

"Of course sir, I wish we could have met under happier circumstances." Nick said with a soft smile and lead Judy back to the squad car.

Their drive back was a quiet one, though Nick looked as if some of the weight he had on his shoulders had been lifted. When they pulled into the station's garage, Judy spoke up, "You did a good thing Nick."

He smiled his usual aloof smile at her. "No parent should ever have to live with not knowing the fate of their child. I just hope Jennifer found the peace she had been looking for."

"What about you Nick? Did you find the closure you were looking for?"

He shrugged. "Maybe. At the very least I made a good step. In any case, I have a lot to discuss with the Doc tomorrow." He glanced at his watch, "Well, our shift is almost over. What do you say we give our reports to Bogo and grab some dinner?"

"That sounds nice, but not that fish market restaurant again…I just got the smell of Mackerel out of my fur…"

"Well no one told you to pick the table near Crazy Steve's booth…You know he doesn't like rabbits."

She rolled her eyes and punched his arm. "Dumb fox…I'm picking the place this time."

He chuckled and stepped out of the car and towards the elevators to the lobby with Judy right by him. "Fine by me Carrots, fine by me."

End~


End file.
